Monday, August 09, 2010

Battle Of The Wills

It's so very late, but I can't sleep. I want to sleep, but too many things are interfering. As I lay in the dark filled room, enjoying the cool breeze from an open window I can hear Boaz's breathing between Den and I, and I feel blessed. As much as I have thoughts that creep continuously in my mind trying to discourage me I have the other still small voice reminding me to count my blessings, and I do.

Today started out with sorrow. I had a small revelation that made me hang my head with quiet sorrow. I wanted it to go away, but like many things we can't control it wouldn't flee. I got down and prayed in the bathroom before church, but I found that my prayer was full of my own will and not necessarily my Lord's will. I knew it about myself even as I was kneeling on the linoleum of my bathroom. I kept praying even though I could see that my heart wasn't exactly pure before the Lord, for a prayer is still a good thing; begging God for mercy.

Therein lies my problem. My will. My will seems right. I wouldn't want something bad for myself, now would I? So I must know what is best for me and those that I love, right? Wrong....wrong wrong wrong. Even though I know it's the wrong heart to have and I understand the spiritual logic in it I continuously have this war.

Praying for peace of mind. Praying for guidance. Praying for the things that I know I stand in need of are all good things, but understanding that only God knows the outcomes. Only God truly has the wisdom to know what is best for me. I believe this, I truly do, but to relinquish my will is so challenging. I find that there are many days I battle relinquishing my will to Den too. My will is so very strong and self serving, selfish, foolish. *sigh*

I am bending, and not just for the day. I am trying to stay flexible like spiritual yoga. Trying to exercise myself in God's will so that I am strong in it rather than inflexible in my own will. Geesh this is hard. I am praying that I will fall in love with God's will for me. That my heart will rejoice in God's will for me, but right now I can say that I am at peace with it. Only through fasting and prayer have I come this far. It's not very far in the spirit, but it's a long ways for my flesh.

Help me God, your will be done in all things, and help me to move aside so that we can achieve it.


Lori said...

These are the type of posts I have are so honest and inspiring in your faith. Right now, we are struggling to have a child of our own, and I know MY will is to have a baby. His will may be something completely different and I pray to accept that & still praise Him! Thanks for sharing!! :)

Beth said...

Good post Trina...The daily battle can make people grow weary and the line between what we want and what the Lord's will is seems to become blurred in "our eyes" This is something I struggle with too. It was the thoughts on my mind as I went to bed last night too. In my heart and mind I know that I have been blessed beyond what I deserve and somehow I still think I need something else. Thank you for the reminder of putting our thoughts in subjection and trusting the Lord know whats best for us.

Trina said...
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Trina said...

Lori, our will is so blinding that it's scary sometimes. I know that you are praying diligently and I also know that God is always listening. I have said a prayer for you this morning.

Beth, it is a comfort to me that this was on your mind last night too. I know...sometimes I think I need something else too.

meNmykids said...

I've been trying also to be happy in the state that I am in. Not to expect outward things to give me joy, but to find that joy and peace through my willingness too accomplish whatever Gods will is in my life. No matter how hard it feels. But when the peace comes it is no longer so hard. Always praying for you!