Sunday, April 15, 2007

Let's Start This Morning Again




Sometimes I catch myself feeling sorry for me. I try not to allow that feeling to rush over me, take hold, or live by that way of looking at things. It's very dangerous, and it slants your perception on the realities of any and all situations. It's just plain wrong. Now stating this doesn't mean that I don't battle it from time to time though. I surely can find myself spiraling into the black abyss of ME.


Today was one such morning. Without going into all the silly details that would most assuredly bore you, let's just say that sometimes this household of men are not very good about remembering that I am female, and can be bored to tears by what would entice the lot of them.

The eagerness of each of them was quite high as they began to debate about whether to go play racquetball again. They wanted to go to the Athletic Club, and run each other ragged. I, on the other hand, was feeling under the weather, and wasn't sure that I would be able to keep up. I expressed to Den that it may be nice to go to the bookstore and coffee shop since we hadn't done this in a few days. This was not as appealing to him, and he quickly pushed it by the wayside as they continued to make their plans. I felt slighted, after all, I had given up my entire Saturday to their whims of war movies and their gym time. I wanted, and felt that it was my turn. However, I read their expressions and exasperated looks on their faces, and pride alone made me give up the plight.


Before I knew it, the front door was being shut, and the loud voices of excitement had dissipated into the driveway, as they hopped into the suburban. A little surprised at how quickly they all filed out the door without a second thought of me, I began to feel sorry for myself. I began to feel angry too, after all I had gave up my entire Saturday to all their musings of testosterone, what was a little time dedicated to me going to hurt?


I ran a bath, and slipped into the steaming tub to contemplate my actions. I began to let my old, wicked, brilliant mind steep in all the ways that I could make them pay a little. I thought about not talking to them when they got back (but I have ZERO willpower for such play), maybe I would just leave for the coffee shop (but they would just watch a war flick), I thought about not putting the ham in the oven (but someone would place it in the oven, but without any of the proper preparation), and that's when it hit me. I am being evil! I am thinking about ways to be mean, and selfish. So I began to debate with myself (or was it the Lord?).


I thought loudly in my mind, "Just because you may be right, doesn't make it okay to be self serving." Than a quick thought came to me, just pray about it, after all God doesn't want me to be unhappy and to think of such things. Surprisingly, I didn't REALLY want to let go of this feeling. I was right, and it felt good. "Okay Lord, so if I pray about it than I have to give up this feeling, I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go that easily, especially with no recognition from the men in this house." That is when I realized just how awful I sounded. I wanted to make others feel bad like ME. The feeling that was making me want to do selfish things, I wanted to give that feeling to them. What a vicious cycle on this Sunday morning. This feeling was not of the Lord, this was of Me,and in me is no good without the Lord.


So I quickly flipped the drain of the tub, and quietly watched the water drain out from under me. I grabbed a towel, went in my room, put on some good christian music and asked the Lord to take this feeling from me. If you really love someone you don't want them to battle that evil too, you want them to be strengthened and have a good day. I wish mine could have started that way, but I know how to turn it around. It's pretty easy really, just humble yourself and ask God to show you the way. We are all human, and as much as we forgive ourselves (see how easy I forgave myself) we must forgive those who trespass against us.... So let's start this day again Lord!

14 comments:

kristarella said...

and His mercies are new every morning. I have been here and done that again and again.

Steff said...

I think everyone can relate to this feeling. Kudos to you for realizing it and not giving into that feeling. I'm all too often guilty of going through the motions of turning it over to the Lord, but in my heart I still feel slighted and can't let it go. I hope that the rest of the day has been well and that the guys gave you some much deserved due. :)

diane said...

Thanks for walking us through your tough time, we've all been there and felt that. It's nice to be reminded that we are all human, and it's especially nice to be reminded that God cares for us and WILL take that feeling away from us.

Trina said...

Kristarella: Im so glad that God gives us second chances...and third...and ohhhh fourth..hehehe

Steff: I dont hold on to feelings for very long, but getting to the right frame of mind quickly is ALWAYS a challenge!

Diane: Im glad that Im not the only one that battles imperfections...hehehe Yes, I am counting on God to help me turn over a new leaf, everyday!

Leah said...

I can so relate... Only I'm not that good about changing my attitude. =P I enjoyed your sweet honest post! Luv ya~!

meNmykids said...

I have never felt like a selfish person, but lately I have battled the ME thing. Glad you overcame.
Gale

Trina said...

Leah: Thanks for leaving a comment. Its always nice to get comments on posts like this.

Gale: I try not to be selfish either, but sometimes I am. Im glad I overcame too today!!

Cherrie said...

Glad you overcame today. Your a good woman.

Lori said...

I honestly think these feelings just come with being a woman!! We all do it from time to time. I always try to start counting my blessings to bring myself out of it ~ kudos for not staying down long!!

marykathryn said...

Oh my well..It was very GOOD of you to repent so quickly, however that doesn't surprise me at all. You are very forgiving!! Glad that you were able to reconize one of Satan's snares and overcome it...Hope you had a great day from then on..I miss you!!!!!

marykathryn said...

BTW... LOVE your new song..One of my favorites..I wonder why?? HEHE

momto3blessings said...

I know what you mean I have moments like that. Im glad you were able to overcome it.
Today didnt turn out like I had wanted so I understand. It totally was the opposite of what I was planning. Oh well. LIfe happens I guess.

Chantel said...

It is so hard sometimes to let God work with us, and listen to that still small voice. I'm glad you overcame today, it's all about one day at a time. If you can't handle that, try one hour or minute at a time!

Nadine said...

I love your heart. I love that you were able to move from a bad place into a good place with the Lord. It's very encouraging when someone is able to share from their heart, truth that is an example for others. Nice post.