Sometimes I catch myself feeling sorry for me. I try not to allow that feeling to rush over me, take hold, or live by that way of looking at things. It's very dangerous, and it slants your perception on the realities of any and all situations. It's just plain wrong. Now stating this doesn't mean that I don't battle it from time to time though. I surely can find myself spiraling into the black abyss of ME.
Today was one such morning. Without going into all the silly details that would most assuredly bore you, let's just say that sometimes this household of men are not very good about remembering that I am female, and can be bored to tears by what would entice the lot of them.
The eagerness of each of them was quite high as they began to debate about whether to go play racquetball again. They wanted to go to the Athletic Club, and run each other ragged. I, on the other hand, was feeling under the weather, and wasn't sure that I would be able to keep up. I expressed to Den that it may be nice to go to the bookstore and coffee shop since we hadn't done this in a few days. This was not as appealing to him, and he quickly pushed it by the wayside as they continued to make their plans. I felt slighted, after all, I had given up my entire Saturday to their whims of war movies and their gym time. I wanted, and felt that it was my turn. However, I read their expressions and exasperated looks on their faces, and pride alone made me give up the plight.
Before I knew it, the front door was being shut, and the loud voices of excitement had dissipated into the driveway, as they hopped into the suburban. A little surprised at how quickly they all filed out the door without a second thought of me, I began to feel sorry for myself. I began to feel angry too, after all I had gave up my entire Saturday to all their musings of testosterone, what was a little time dedicated to me going to hurt?
I ran a bath, and slipped into the steaming tub to contemplate my actions. I began to let my old, wicked, brilliant mind steep in all the ways that I could make them pay a little. I thought about not talking to them when they got back (but I have ZERO willpower for such play), maybe I would just leave for the coffee shop (but they would just watch a war flick), I thought about not putting the ham in the oven (but someone would place it in the oven, but without any of the proper preparation), and that's when it hit me. I am being evil! I am thinking about ways to be mean, and selfish. So I began to debate with myself (or was it the Lord?).
I thought loudly in my mind, "Just because you may be right, doesn't make it okay to be self serving." Than a quick thought came to me, just pray about it, after all God doesn't want me to be unhappy and to think of such things. Surprisingly, I didn't REALLY want to let go of this feeling. I was right, and it felt good. "Okay Lord, so if I pray about it than I have to give up this feeling, I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go that easily, especially with no recognition from the men in this house." That is when I realized just how awful I sounded. I wanted to make others feel bad like ME. The feeling that was making me want to do selfish things, I wanted to give that feeling to them. What a vicious cycle on this Sunday morning. This feeling was not of the Lord, this was of Me,and in me is no good without the Lord.
So I quickly flipped the drain of the tub, and quietly watched the water drain out from under me. I grabbed a towel, went in my room, put on some good christian music and asked the Lord to take this feeling from me. If you really love someone you don't want them to battle that evil too, you want them to be strengthened and have a good day. I wish mine could have started that way, but I know how to turn it around. It's pretty easy really, just humble yourself and ask God to show you the way. We are all human, and as much as we forgive ourselves (see how easy I forgave myself) we must forgive those who trespass against us.... So let's start this day again Lord!