So I was getting around for bed and noticed how quiet the house was. Everyone had turned in early because of sickness. Instead of enjoying the quiet tonight I had a sense of dread fall upon me. The dread of whether I was meeting all of my boys' needs. The one child who came to mind was my son Levi.
Now Levi is my middle child. He will be turning 11 at the end of this month. I love and adore him. Today I was able to spend some one on one time with him. This is rare, but I try to take a day where I spend it with just one child, while I run errands or whatever. I take this opportunity to catch up with them and to maybe get a chai and a hot chocolate or something special along those lines. During this time, I sensed how hungry Levi was for my attention. He talked and talked like this would be our last conversation for a while. I tried to follow along with all that he wanted to share, and at times had to maintain my focus, as I had heard many of it before from my other sons. This is when a red flag raised in my mind. This wasn't fair to him. These are all new to him, and just as important to him as they were to the first two who had shared these fun facts and dreams with me. I questioned whether I was being too carefree with his feelings and desires. It made me reevaluate myself.
I thought later about who he is and where he fits into our family. He was the baby for 6 years and he fought against this with all his fury by rarely telling on the older boys and taking whatever they dished out with silent submission. I watched him cautiously to make sure he wasn't abused in this gesture, but also worried that he make get lost if he didn't speak up. Because of his passiveness he could be easily overlooked if we were not careful. They say the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and this boy doesnt squeak much.
So today on our excursion it gave me pause to think about him. To listen to him, and I began to worry. He is on the edge of beginning puberty and this is a time where the boys are starving for affirmation with their dreams, and I have been complacent with him at times. I strongly believe in never showing partiality with my boys and I am proud to say that I don't, so why did I feel concerned for him? Is it a still small voice speaking to me? Have I been taking advantage of his obedient quiet nature......probably.
I think one of my greatest fears is to look back on this time of my life, motherhood, and see my shortcomings through my children. I would feel crushed if any one of them felt neglected, unheard, or that I wasn't as big of a cheerleader for one as I was for another. Each one has their own hopes, strengths, and desires. They are excited to share it with me and want to feel that I am interested. But there is 5 of them and only one of me. How do I accomplish such a huge task? I don't have the answers for these kinds of questions really. I guess I need to be prayerful about Levi, that I can have the Lord show me what he needs and try to deliver.
I guess tonight I felt weak in this, I felt sad, I felt very.............human.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Posted by Trina at 10:48 PM