To The Woman Who Wants A Child

My computer is back up and running. It has some problems still, but after some finnigling I got it revived. Yes, we lost everything that we hadn't backed up (which was most of everything), but we don't have to replace our computer right now. So that is a huge blessing in my little world.

I am about to be 20 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy is going by fairly quickly. I am sure it's because of the busy house of children I have, already. I feel like the time is sneaking up on me more and more. I took Levi, Abram, and Roman with me to Barnes and Noble yesterday. Levi wanted to buy a new book, and the other two boys love to browse. I sat in the Winnie the Pooh section for children, and Roman brought me flap books that we looked at together. He loves this time, and admittedly, so do I. As I headed back to the suburban, and I was hoisting him back in to his carseat I started to do the countdown of when the next baby will be here. I felt a bit of panic come over me, because I had this sudden realization that a new baby, in an infant carseat, and all the things that must go in to the store each and every time, would be a huge change, again. Roman isn't quite two, and he, truly, keeps me hopping, but soon I will have two babies again. I secretly smiled, and yet worried too.

So this morning, as Den is at work, I hopped on to some blogs that I don't regularly visit. One is about a woman who is dying to become a mom. She has been trying for about 6 years. Her written words, across my screen, stung. Tears ran down my face as I read how earnest she is when explaining her struggle spiritually, mentally, and physically with it. She began to write in one of her posts about how she sees women who take it all for granted, don't appreciate it, and it all just comes so easy for them. I wouldn't necessarily put myself in ALL those categories, but I would say that it has came easy, and I know, after reading her posts, how I take it for granted. It made me feel ashamed. Not because I am unaware of God's mercies to me, but because I am not good about remembering all those who want just ONE child.

I don't look at myself as anything amazing because I have five, soon to be six (God willing), but I do take it for granted. Den and I have been blessed to be able to plan our children, only in the beginning of our marriage did we struggle. However, with good reason, God had a plan. Otherwise, the month we have tried, we have conceived. As time goes on, baby after baby, we tend to take things like this for granted, until you read or hear of another woman's plight. Then, for me, it makes me just stop in my tracks, and I let the tears stream down my face. Not just for them, but for my own heart. I want to be continuously grateful. I don't want something to be taken from me, before I truly appreciate all that I have. I try, I truly do, but after reading about someone who has NEVER had one, you realize how much you don't ALWAYS appreciate.

As I was typing this Roman can bouncing in. Not quite two he is still very much a baby. He is becoming more and more a little man, but he is still new to me. He is learning new words everyday, and I am amazed at the ones he chooses to use. He is unique, all his own. I picked him up to put him on my lap, he was needing some more reassurance, as most babies do at this age. I began to kiss on him as he squirmed, and I looked in to his eyes. His deep, dark eyes that have long eyelashes that curl up on the edges. He has a perfect little nose that looks just like Den's, and his lips are perfectly pouty. As he gleamed at me innocently I thought how heartbreaking it would be to not know what my child would look like. How I get to stare in to my children's eyes, each one, and see something new and individual in each one, yet something so familiar to Den and I. I thought of this woman who longed to see and know one of her own. I kissed on him some more as he happily wandered off to find his brothers.

So here I sit with another one growing inside of me. I remember when Roman was born, I said, "Ohhh...he is really cute!" hahaha This makes me laugh a little, because we all think our babies are cute. But I can think back to that moment, and know that I will have another time in my life of experiencing that (again Lord willing). I think often of how much these children have changed me. I am a better person with this many children needing me, and obviously I needed one more. Maybe its because I wouldn't be who I am supposed to be with only two children. I needed six to mold me and transform me in to the soul I need to be to grace Heaven's door. Maybe these other women have it more together, and don't need to be bent as I have been. These children have made me do things I never thought I would. None of my friends will tell you that when we were teenagers that they saw me having six, but the Lord sure did. He knew, and it has been so good for me. So good for my flesh, my soul, my heart and opening my eyes to other people and eternity. I needed more work, maybe more than others......lol I smile and giggle, but I find so much truth in those words.

Anyway, after such a long post, I want to be more thankful. I don't want to take my sixth pregnancy for granted. So I may have to lose some extra weight after this baby (no doubt), I will be more tired (again no doubt), I will have less things as I try to spread the wealth, and all these things are so good for me. So to you, dear woman who is trying to conceive, my heart goes out to you, and I want to be one of those women that you see that says "I get it, I am blessed." So thank you for the reminder of who I could be on Mother's Day, and may the Lord bless your womb soon.