Selfish Prayers

How to pray. I mulled it over this morning after Den left for work. I had whined to him that I felt like the baby would never come. He made a funny quip about how he would come with a full beard, but we would love him anyway. I found it a little unsympathetic and a little irritating (hormones raging), but in the very next second I questioned why I didn't just appreciate his humor, after all what could he have said to make the moment right with me? Probably and realistically nothing.

Den knelt beside the bed after he was fully dressed for work. He said his sweet little prayer for me, and then headed out the bedroom door. There I laid on the bed with my large round tummy. The baby was awake, just like clock work. He tossed and turned inside of me fighting for his morning position. I thought about all the pains that I had in the night and yet was still pregnant in the morning. I rolled out of bed and sat at my computer and noticed some good reading on the computer desk that Den must have left from the day before. So I nestled back in to bed and began reading a magazine, but then my mind drifted over how to pray about this important milestone in my life. I am waiting to have this baby and feeling discouraged when I am still holding on to the baby within. I began to contemplate how selfish my prayers can be if I'm not careful.

Now I find no harm in praying for a safe delivery and all that this entails. I find no harm in praying for a healthy baby either. No, its the specific prayer of timing that I need to be patient and careful about. I don't know the day, nor the hour that the Lord wants this child to enter this world. I don't have an understanding of all the little things that the Lord is working out that have nothing to do with me. I have a midwife who is very busy and is praying about her own personal daily happenings, I have friends who are traveling a distance to come and be with me during my hour of need, my sister is here to help deliver but I am confident that God is using her for other good deeds too, this I am sure, even Mary has a little girl who has been sick the last few days. Therefore, this isn't ALL about me. Instead of thinking about only myself and my own desires there is so much more going on behind the spiritual scene. I must be careful what I pray for and try to listen to God's will; not just my own desires. It's hard, I will admit, but my own desires can be so selfish and then they begin to make me unhappy, leaving me with the hollow question, "Why, oh Lord?" I am not more content by asking God to give me what I want NOW, without saying and truly meaning "God's will be done". This is hard for a mother in waiting, however I do want this to be a positive spiritual experience for all who are meant to be involved.

So today I will be more patient and more long suffering, and I will try to pray more earnestly about God's timing rather than my own blind wants.I have enough experience in my life to know that this is when it ALWAYS works out for the best for me and beautiful testimonies abound.

Warning: If I go overdue I may start whining again.....LOL

Sister Time

Not having seen Teresa for over two years has been strange. We talk almost every day when she is out in Oklahoma, but getting to visit about our lives and being a part of each other's lives is very different. It's amazing how much I miss her. I think the longer she is here the more I realize how much I am missing. When all the kids are around it is hard for us to get any serious visiting in. Even though we have a large crew of teens they seem to dominate our world a little more, and so we find ourselves being better listeners to their interpretations of the world than us leading the conversations. So having Uncle Colin, India, Alexis, Wyatt, River and Isaiah gone this last week has given us sisters a chance to catch up. All that we have had at home with us are; Levi, Cortez, Abram, and Roman. I know that this is still four, however the three oldest have been quite content to play on their own, so it's been nice and relatively quiet.

Anyway, I am watching how she does things and I find it sort of intriguing. We fold our towels the same, she puts importance on the same things that others may consider small, she puts her kids to work just as I do, we have the same philosophies of family and religion, and when I talk about my husband and his odd antics she can completely understand. It's a comfortable joy. I can't tell you all the things that we buy for our clothes, home, and even small accessories that are EXACTLY the same. We have always done this, but to be continuing to do this through the years with so many miles between us seems amazing.

Now, let me explain that we are very different too. Most people will tell you that we may look similar, may have married brothers, may have large families and such, but we have very different ways of expressing ourselves. Our backgrounds and our basic life canvas is so closely related that it colors our world the same, but we have our own unique flair too. Having this time away has allowed me to see our relationship a little bit differently. I can actually stand back and see it instead of just experiencing it, if that makes any sense. It has been such a joy and it has made me giggle to see the tiny and not so tiny details that make us sisters. I'm just really really happy that she has come. She doesn't complain at all about missing her family, but I know how hard that is. After all she is a wife, a mother to five children, and there is always labor to do on her own homefront, so to have this large slice of time divided off for me and my family is very generous and I feel very spoiled.

We Have No Promise For Tomorrow

I was laying in bed. My eyes were still closed. Den was lying beside me, also lazily sleeping. He put his arm over the top of me, which signaled he was half awake so I rested my hand on his hand. I began to feel of it with my eyes closed. I could feel that it was thicker than mine, it was a bit rough from all the years he labored with them. Even his arm was very familiar to me, although my eyes hadn't stolen a peek. Then I began to think about life, actually, my life with him, and how easily we can take it for granted, it sort of made me sad and grateful all at the same time.

Lately, it seems that there has been a lot of death. This past year we have experienced a lot of dear loved ones passing on. After awhile it begins to hit a little too close to home. You try to brace yourself for the suddenness of it all, just in case it happens to you. Most of the families left behind weren't expecting it, and even the ones that were are still stunned with grief. It makes me question what I would do, how I would get along, the thought makes me uncomfortable, as I know it does for most.

So as I laid there in my soft comfy bed I thanked God for what I had. I know that everyday that my life is still in order I am very fortunate. Everyday that my husband is still lying in bed with me, that all my children are healthy, and slumbering deeply in their beds that I have it easy. It makes the supposed hardships that we endure seem like nothing. It's so simple to become complacent about it all, until it's gone.

We shall see you on the other side Sis. Dawn and Sis. Betha. You will be dearly missed.

Faith In Children

I was going to write down quick answers to the many questions that I get through emails, but one email that I received asked me some questions that I had to really mull over before I gave a response. I thought they were good enough questions that I would share them in a post. I would love to read your feedback concerning these issues too.



The most important question in her email to me was "How do you teach FAITH to your children?" She continued to ask if I thought it was my homeschooling technique, by my example, or if I read scripture to the boys regularly. All good questions and good thoughts for me, because sometimes I take certain things for granted in my lifestyle and I don't weigh them as much as I ought to.



The faith I instill in my children is so critical, but it is such a part of our family fiber that I take it for granted in some ways. In other ways I am very conscientious about it all. Now I know that this may not make sense. It may sound as if I am speaking out of both sides of my mouth, but I assure you I am not.



One of the main reasons we decided to homeschool, many years ago, was because I wanted to have as much opportunity to instill our beliefs in to our children. I figured that math, reading and writing were academic fundamentals, but our faith was something that I would have to work on daily if I wanted them to grab hold of it with both hands and feet. I needed all the time that the Lord gave me to do this thing. Now this didn't mean only bible verse memorizing, actually that was, again, a small thing compared to what I deemed critical in raising my children. I wanted them to have hearts towards the Lord, and that was something that had to be given to them in many different layers. One was by example, talking to them about right and wrong, and biblically understanding who God was. So many things to be accomplished in such a short amount of time.



In the early years we talked about God as if He were with us everyday (which He is). I would ask "What do you think God thinks of that?" alot. If they didn't give me a solid answer I would drum up an example in the bible or a basic concept that would teach them to ask themselves this question. We spent a lot of time teaching this very basic skill. I wanted it to be second nature for them; to think about God and what he would think or do on any given day. I tried to make it fun and light hearted. I spoke to them about how good God was, and tried to instruct them to trust in Him, and to fall in love with him. During trials of disobedience I would explain to them that we held to the Lord's laws, that they weren't Den and I's laws, but that we were just enforcing God's rules. This again made them think about God and how He is the head of all things. A respect was laid for Him in our home, and in our conversation.



As our children grew we taught them more from the word. We would show them things in the word that were black and white. Den would tell them why we would do something a certain way, and yet show them the beauty in it. We explained to them the finer details of our beliefs, but it was always backed by scriptures.



Living the example of happiness, counting our blessings, having brethren in our home (that set the same good example) was and is a very important part of our life. Through hospitality, and partaking in other's hospitality was how the children fell in love with God's people. It has been layers and layers of love. If someone did something for us out of kindness it was duly noted and we explained how the Lord would bless them for it, so they were looking for those blessings. Seek and ye shall find.



We do many things with our children. We talk on good things as much as possible. We talk about God's mercies, God's goodness and we point out the good things we see in others. We also talk about the seriousness of the Lord. How he is a just Heavenly Father and one to be feared. We share with them the natural consequences of bad behavior, and talk about the ultimate cost of not putting God first in their lives. It is the very fiber of our family, and because of this it is not easy to say this one thing instills faith or a love for the Lord. No, it is many many things in our lives. You can't fake it, or only talk about it, you have to live it, it has to be who you are. That is the only way that your children will truly believe and truly have faith. It has to be proved in their own lives. They first build confidence through their parents, and then they begin to step out on God's promises themselves. Through all of these things God can work, but the door has to be laid wide open, and therefore the Lord can step on through.

God's Design

Mary and I decided to meet at the pool with the kids last night. Den and Rusty were at a men's meeting, for the night, so we decided to take this time to get the kids together for a nightly swim.

We met at the athletic club, wandered in to the family changing room, and got everyone ready to go. We put life vests on Hailey and Roman, and made sure that the other kids were ready to hit the pool. Everyone was in the water in a splash, literally. I held Roman, confident that he would be a clinger all evening long, after all we didn't have his typical water wings that are placed around his arms. However, he proved me wrong. He kept wanting to shake my hands off his hands so that he could swim by himself. Not wanting him to be scared when he tipped forward I kept trying to hold tight to his little hands, but soon he made it clear that he wanted independence. Figuring that he would have to learn the hard way I released him, but instead of crying he began to tread, and very quickly he was off and swimming towards the other children. Mary and I were amazed at him and his convictions, as we giggled.

This is when I had another parental epiphany. I had nothing to do with this....lol That is who he is. In the beginning of my parental adventures, with River and Isaiah, I gave myself credit or blamed myself for every little thing that my children did, believing that I had the impact on forming almost every part of their personality. Now that I am 36, and I have five sons I realize that this was blown completely out of proportion. I obviously, influence their behavior as far as morals, and their understandings of things, but HOW they see their world is more in line with how God made them, individually. I know that I have stated this a million times, but I have to say that it never ceases to amaze me. They are who they are from the womb, which is why God says he knew them even while they are in their mothers womb. I find this intriguing, and I also find it exciting to discover who they are, and how I can help them be better people. It does make parenting more challenging and difficult, but it also brings a new light of trusting in the Lord's design, too.

For instance, I have had some high maintenance children and some lower maintenance children (all children are maintenance;), but why they are, who they are, in this manner is how God designed them. I have given them the same amount of love, discipline, and in general guidance, after all I am only one mom and I am pretty predictable. So if I was the complete sculptor wouldn't it make perfect sense that all my children would behave exactly the same? Of course. Now, please don't misunderstand my point, in no way am I advocating that you shouldn't discipline or guide children because you have no control, not at all, but what works with one may not work with the other. Does this mean that you don't try to figure out how to make it work? No, it just means that some lessons will be easy for one and more challenging for another. Keep up the good work moms, but just know that each child is their own person.

So looking at Roman, at two years old, swimming all over the pool, independently, made me smile. Abram would have clung to me for dear life at this age. I haven't done anything different with Roman to cause him to be the opposite, he is just unique. I loved it. I love to see who my sons are, even at the youngest of ages. At times one makes my life easier, and other times that same child puts me in an emotional quandary. All that I can do is pray for wisdom so that the Lord can show me how to get through to each one, and how to comfort them when they, inevitably, need me.

Choices

How many of us have had guests over for dinner, unexpected, unannounced and it ended up being a heart warming experience? Even though it may be stressful, or catch you off guard there is a warmth in sharing dinner with guests that can't be compared. Having a house full of boys means that there is plenty of playing and bonding. Yeah there have been some broken windows in our lives, but windows can be replaced.

The basketball team that we call our family has its ups and downs, that's for sure, but the house would be dead from silence without them.





There are days that I question what was I thinking; having another baby on the way, when I feel like my plate is already so full. I know that I will have enough to give to this little one, and I am excited about meeting him. Nevertheless, I also know that my reserves feel low right now and I don't see things getting a lot better in the near future. So what was I thinking?



This is the first pregnancy that we haven't been receiving accolades from the world. There has been a lot of disbelief, and a lot of people not understanding our logic, (not that they ask or truly want to know what guides us). On any bad day I can let this get to me. I mean who doesn't want to have people receive the news that another precious baby is on the way only to have them give you the warmest congratulations? I know that it does my heart good when someone is heartfelt with their joy for us. However, thankfully, I am not easily influenced by their misunderstandings. Luckily, my bar of success is measured by a different standard all together. I am not going to be one that goes out and makes a living for our family. Success isn't going to be measured by how much money we have in our bank account, at the cost of all other things. Don't get me wrong, Den and I are careful with our money and we try to be wise with it, but I also know that my world isn't centered around it. There have been plenty of times we have made decisions, spiritually, that didn't center around money, and in fact we have sacrificed it for the greater good, plenty of times. I am just saying that how society measures success isn't by biblical standards anymore, and this makes me sad. I think a lot of people miss those days and standards, but get sucked in to thinking that those are fond, distant, Norman Rockwell memories that can't be relived or regained. That those are just stories or paintings to be swapped by those who had little and/or knew little. This is so untrue. The reasons those paintings and stories strike a heart chord is because they are what life is truly all about; family, love, and savoring the little things that we bring to each others world.



Today, society believes that someone can find complete fulfillment and joy by other rewards, monetary and materialistically. People get home late and rise early to work their entire lives away for some worldly/ outward goal that at the bedside of the sick means nothing. This is why it is so important to yoke yourself with those that are equal to you. I mean, have relationships in your life that you admire, and who will encourage you along these biblical standards. Who of us could withstand the pull of today's society all alone? Not many. It is easy to begin feeling the pressure of keeping up with the Jones', or feeling like our children keep us from doing the things we were "meant" to do, or wondering if we could have more THINGS if only we hadn't made the choice to have less children, or no children at all.




I don't see how that we could make the right choices/ good biblical choices without the support of like minded people around us. Not all of my friends live exactly the same lifestyle as myself, but the majority do or try. So any given day that I may feel low, or my flesh questions my choices, I know whom I can call to encourage me; remind me of what our purpose in this life is. For who of us aren't weak from time to time, or wishes we had more? We all need to realize that our life is but a vapor and only appeareth for a short while, so let's leave our legacy behind, and the only legacy that matters are the generations (that we teach, love, sacrifice for) to come.

Setting Priorities

Den and I have been examining our family a lot lately. I'm not sure if there is one superior reason for this, or just an accumulation of things. I do know that our family has had a lot more sit down conversations about the Lord, and how to live our lives. The evenings that we have done this sound more like a parental downpour of our ideas and think-sos, rather than an entourage of conversation coming from the boys, but you have to start somewhere, right?

Anyway, Den came home from work and asked me how my day went. I told him how it started, and how it ended. I let him know some of the ground that I covered with the boys, and where I felt like we needed to continue to work. Gratefully, he quickly agreed to keep on working, and set a plan in motion. What was that plan? To play bible trivia....Why, you may ask? Because one of the things that we feel is important in their lives is to have a clear understanding of the bible, and it's history. I remember playing it when I was a teen, and I gained a lot of knowledge without realizing how much I was actually retaining.

When we announced that bible trivia would be the family hour this evening the boys seemed surprised. Nevertheless, they were all plenty eager which made Den and I pleased. We made some snacks up on a plate, we set up the game, and then decided how to determine teams. Den was his own team, I was my own team, and the boys were all on one team. Surprisingly, everyone held their own. I mean Den was expected to stomp us to the ground, and therefore we made sure he was tested by the more challenging cards, and (not to the shock of the rest of us) he won. However, it was only by a minimal margin, and so everyone left the table content. We decided to incorporate this time in to our family entertainment on a more regular basis.

I discovered that biblical names were not the boys' strong suit. I, also, realized that Abram knew a lot from the bible dvds we purchased at the homeschool convention (again another learning tool that doesn't feel like learning). There were a couple of times that the hub bub came to a stop, because we were stunned at an accurate answer that Abram gave us. Most importantly it was a fun family moment that taught us a little more about family, love, and the bible. Can't beat that!

When My Hands Tremble

There are times to be strong. Sometimes I feel like I am going to crumble under the responsibility of being a mother. Raising teenagers is far more exhausting mentally, then the 2am and 3 am awakenings in the middle of the night by a baby. I thought those days or nights were difficult, and they were in their own right, (believe me I am aware of baby #6's impact that is soon to come), but the teens are far more, emotionally, stressful.

I look at my older boys and I realize that I don't have years to accomplish all my goals spiritually, educationally, and relationship wise anymore. The clock is ticking and all that I have done, or not done, will follow them as they pack up their few belongings and head out to face the world someday soon. I hear their own thoughts and sometimes the words they speak are like a symphony to my ears, and other times I hear the foolishness of a young heart. In those times, my heart will skip a beat and I want to focus all my energy on changing their perspective. However, this isn't always possible. I am raising men who are set on forming their own lives, and believing in their own convictions.

Now is not the time that I can be their best friend. I want to be their close friend, and I feel that I am, but it can't ever supersede my role as a mother. If while they are in my house I am a mother that shows love, consistency, and a Godly walk then I can say job well done to myself. If, on the other hand, they adore me, but they take advantage of me and they haven't stretched themselves in to the men that God appointed them to be because I was lazy or afraid to be disliked by one of them, then I have failed. It is a fine line that I walk daily with each of them.

There are days that I have felt out numbered. That conflict seemed to be heaped upon me like red/orange coals, but I am not one to run away from a battle. They are worth fighting for and I will do battle for them until the day I die.

The great victory is when you have one sit down with you, and you explain the battle that you see ahead, and they "get it". I have had to have private conversations with each one, and break down the purpose of our lives. I have explained to them, at times, that we are in a spiritual battle, that they may not be able to see the war that God and Satan are having for them, but I do. Therefore, I can't turn a blind eye to poor choices, or directions that they may want to walk. I, instead, am the keeper and the one to help them stay on the straight and narrow path until they are ready and able to recognize what this life is truly all about. It isn't about being the smartest, the wealthiest, or the funniest man, there is a far greater purpose to our lives. There is work to be done, so I need to make sure that they understand why they are being taught our beliefs, and held to the laws of God's word. For if I let them "get away" with laziness, dishonesty, and no relationship with the Lord than their lives will be in vain.

So for now, if I am not the most popular person in the house on any given day, than so be it. I have told them that mothering is not a popularity contest, but a serious labor that I have taken to heart. I am not the law maker, but the enforcer, and in doing so there is much beauty and peace in serving the Lord.

2007 Was Transforming

Den and I were thinking about the last nine months. We were counting our blessings and recognizing the changes in our lives. What a crazy 2007 we have had.

If you had told me in January of 2007 that we would move here, and that we would be starting anew I would have giggled and said, "You must be thinking of someone else."

I have thought about all the things that the Lord has showed me this year, and how many of those things have came to pass. I stand in awe of His power and His generosity.

We have six families in our church right now. Four of those families had to completely uproot themselves to come, and I am thrilled and humbled to see His will come to pass in just nine months. I know more is coming, and moving is not a little thing for a family. Therefore, I am grateful and in awe as He continues to show His power and His will.

To lay on my back and to feel/see life moving around in me is another large transformation. It is very clear that each one of my sons has been from the Lord, and this one is no different. I am finally ready to be a mom of six, and I am anxious to meet him and to add him to our family in every way. Last year, I wouldn't have thought we would have moved or that we would be adding a new child to our lives in only a years time. AMAZING!

The growth I have had to make is mind boggling to me. It hasn't been the easiest year of my life, but I have really enjoyed the fruits thereof. There were times I felt utterly exhausted, there were times I felt overwhelmed, and even times I felt lonely. The reverse side of that is that I have felt more comfortable with hospitality, watched others do the Lord's will (such a comfort to me), and have loved being "home" again. The range of emotions in the last year has taught me that each day is a new day that brings on new things. It's best to not always know what is exactly in your future, but to trust that God is going to see you through.

I would also say that Den and I's relationship has evolved. We have been grouchy at times with one another (a lot of changes), but for the most part I would have to say that I have fallen deeper in love with him. I respect him, not because he can do all things, but because he has a heart to serve the Lord. With this heart I will continue to follow him and try to be the best helpmeet I can be.

The changes I have seen in my older boys has been difficult. They are growing up. We have dealt with some difficult teen stages, but we have tried to take those opportunities to talk about the bigger picture for their lives. At times I felt like I was talking to a brick wall, but then the rainbow shines through and I can see that God's word is true, "Train them up in the way they shall go and they shall not depart from it." This verse is being put to the test for all of us, and I am thirilled with the outcome. The path is bumpy, but worthy.

Lastly, is that Den has had good labor for his hands. For the Lord to give Den the job that he has given him is humbling. He made a way for us in Washington, but we walked away from his more lucrative career when we felt called to move there. In doing so, we made many financial sacrifices, but the gains spiritually and relationshipwise far surpassed what we gave up. However, now we are back and the Lord is blessing us in other ways. Spiritually and relationshipwise it has been more challenging here. I have had to cling tighter to all that I know and believe, but the pay off has been very educational in my life, and I am thankful for the growth I have seen in us.

So to you, Happy New Year, and I hope that you take the time to reflect on your past year too. I will continue to count my blessings and pray that the Lord is in charge of this next year. I am sure that by this time next year, I will be just as surprised at the changes I will see.God keep me safe and focused on your will and not my own.

Contemporary Pioneers

Time has a way of marching on; no matter your circumstances, what you have planned, or what life seems to offer. In many ways it seems like Thanksgiving through Christmas has been slow, but when I think about all that we squeezed in to that span of time I am in awe.

So now that the holidays are behind us it puts our hearts on to more ordinary things again. Homework, housework, hospitality, and oh yes a baby is on the way in a matter of weeks. I laid in my bed later than usual today, with my door closed, listening to the Nerf gun war that ensued up and down the stairs between the boys. I had pulled out a book that I have been reading called "Skookum". It is about an Oregon family that were pioneers. It's from a woman's point of view, and as I let my mind drift across the pages of her life I thought about my own life. How much easier we have it compared to them, but yet how complicated we have made our lives instead.

I decided that I had to move on with my day. I was thinking about how lazy I was compared to them. Rarely, if ever, did the women of those times stay in bed and read a book leisurely; no there was always too much to do. If they didn't do those daily things their life would be in jeopardy, and their would be nothing to eat or drink for all. This is when I heard a tiny rapping on my door that was most decidedly Roman and I tossed back my covers, gently laid down my book, and went to the door. He quickly raced in to my freshly opened door in fear that he would be denied again. I giggled at his persistence and his superior need to be WITH me. Therefore, I decided that even though I don't live in the day of pioneers my labor is still important and needing to be pounced upon, and their was no time like the present.

Timing Is Everything

I felt to write two posts today, so bare with me. I am a believer that my blog is just for this sort of occasion...lol

Rusty and Mary are moving down here this weekend. I have a flood of emotions that run over me when I think about it. So much so that I knew if I didn't take this opportunity to type it out that it would be forever forgotten, never to be reread, and thankful for later. Life has a way of doing that.

It's been hard, here of late. The family has been sick this fall, which isn't abnormal, but I am used to having an amazing bunch of sisters and friends to support me. I have really missed that. I still know that I am loved, they are just, all, long distance now. However, you have to turn inwards and keep yourself humble with the Lord through spiritual droughts, and I have been really trying.
(I just reread this paragraph and felt I must clarify that I have felt loved and appreciated from Sis. Marisela and Sis. Tisha here, but I am sure that they will agree it has been lonely and a different battle than when you are living in a large assembly.)

Emotions sweep over me as I pause to write the next few lines. I want to say how grateful I am that the Lord is sending Bro. Rusty and Sis. Mary when he is. The need is so great here, not just for our assembly, but in my heart. I went through a phase where I was so busy with all the visiting company that I could hardly breathe, but since winter has began to set in we have been more on our own (which is to be expected.) I am a pretty independent girl, most of my friends will tell you that, but I don't care who you are there is a natural, inborn, need for support and friendship.

I have never doubted that this is the Lord's plan for us, and I know that through difficult and challenging times that we grow. Growing pains aren't fun. As I watch my sons endure pains that seem to come out of no where in their legs and body I realize it is a necessity, and I assure them that those growing pains are good for them. They don't always agree, and have found them annoying, but they love the end results. Well that is where I am right now.

I want to be strong. I want to be faithful. I want to be an encouragement. I want to be patient. Nevertheless, the Lord knows who I am and who He is dealing with. He is sending help. He is showing me that my faith, strength, and patience is paying off. He is sending Rusty and Mary.

When I think about them living down the road from me my heart melts. When I think of hopping in my suburban and visiting with her I become a little bit humbled. I will appreciate her more than words can say. I am not that strong. I have cried and prayed and begged God for help, and He is sending them just when I needed them most.

No Such Thing As Perfect

I was thinking about a post I read today about people who aren't honest about their parenting difficulties. How, we, moms already feel guilty a lot, and we don't always feel like we can share the dilemmas that we are having with our children, because we may be JUDGED! What a shame. We need to talk to other moms and women who have been there, done that, and are not afraid to admit it. After all, we are not raising perfect saints, we hope to get them in good shape spiritually, but we are all sinners, for goodness sakes.

Now I think my boys are pretty grand, and honestly they are really good boys, but they are flawed. So am I. I have raised my voice plenty of times in this house, I'm not even sure that every time I have regretted it....lol There are days that I am at my wits end and they know it. However, since I am a constant work in progress I see where I need to grow too. I don't think I am a perfect woman raising perfect kids. Pleeeease!

I have some core issues that I don't bend on when it comes to raising my kids, and in those I feel pretty good with our little family. However, by other people's standards I may be missing the mark. However, every family has to come to their own terms and ideas of what is the most important values to teach your children. There are some things for me that are black and white with hard fast rules, but other stuff I am willing to compromise on.

We eat sugary cereal. We watch Disney movies and Nick Jr. We have read all the Harry Potter books, and have seen the movies. My kids collected Pokemon cards when they were black balled in the christian community. I let my boys play with toy guns, and they are allowed to wrestle and be physical as long as everyone is having fun. My boys know how to cook for themselves so that Dad and I can go out on the town and not have to worry about them. Dad and I rarely take the boys to a nice restaurant (since it is so expensive), but we take them to Taco Bell, Burger King, and Pizza Schmizza (even Starbucks for a little something something...hehehe). I am not saying that they don't ever get to go out to a nice restaurant, but its not the norm for our large family. We take candy out of their Halloween bags that we want, and we call it our "Daddy Tax" for taking them trick or treating. We are fair with it, but there is no guilt involved. I have had my toddler throw a doozy of a fit in public and blushed from embarassment. I have put my boys' nose on a door and forgot about them before, because I was busying doing something else.....lol The thing is the boys know that their Dad and I are not perfect. We say we are sorry, and we try to explain things to them as to why we do certain things, and why we want them to make the same good decisions in their own lives.

I don't tolerate back talking, hurting on purpose, foul words, laziness, flagrant disobedience, or putting each other down. Does it happen from time to time? Yes. However, it is on my list of "Don't put up with it", so it isn't a continuous problem. We may have one son, for awhile, that tests the water, and man do I stay on top of him for it. That is to be expected, they are, after all, human and want to make sure I mean what I say. Which, for the most part, I do.

So I think that its important that we can share the good, the bad, and the ugly and not feel judged, or that we are experiencing this alone. I assume everyone is dealing with it. I don't think I have EVER looked at another parent and thought that they had perfect children. I think that she may be great about staying on top of her struggles, but struggles DO exist for each and every one of us.

Taking The Time

I loved these photos that represents the throne of God. Just click on the picture to see it a little bit bigger. When I think about the cloud of witnesses listening and watching me, it makes me a little more careful with my words and actions.

Another humbling beautiful picture.

How easy it is to let ourselves become consumed with ourselves. It is so good when someone calls to ask for prayer. When I am busy doing whatever it is I am doing, and someone stops me through a phone call to ask for prayer, it makes me a better person. It makes me step out of myself for a bit, and think about someone elses plight.



I thought about some of the things that the Lord has done for me lately. He has rescued me. It all started with just a thought. I would be doing a little something, and I would begin thinking about a problem or a sad situation in our life, it was one that I was powerless over. I mulled it over and over, worrying and fretting about it to no avail. Then I heard the still small voice reminding me to just pray, take it to God.



It sounds so simple doesn't it? There are times that I will say a pathetic little prayer while I still continue to take on the task at hand, but those kinds of prayers are not very memorable for me, and I am sure that they are disappointing to God. When I take the time to steal away, and really pour my heart out to the Lord, that is when I gain comfort. Maybe its for a few reasons. Maybe it's because I put a lot of importance on it, enough that I stopped everything to talk to the Lord, maybe its because in the stillness of that moment I could really focus on all the things that I should be praying for, including others. Either way, I know that it is much more effective, memorable, and pleasing to the Lord.


I also contemplated how many times that the Lord works things out in a timely manner. As I type this my throat becomes tight because I can think of something specific that I have been pleading with Him with about, and how much He has already done. Then the next question I have to ask myself is, "Have I stopped talking to him, as much, after my problem was solved?" Ugh. I don't like to think so, but often it's true. I pray daily, but there are levels of prayers for me. I need to be careful not to use and abuse my Heavenly Father.

One of the things I have talked to the boys about in the last couple of years is how they envision the Lord. The first chapter of Revelations talks about how John saw Jesus in a dream. Its pretty amazing, scary, and humbling. I remind my boys not to think that they are praying to the paintings that portray Jesus, that are on church walls, but to remember who they are truly bowing before and the cloud of witnesses that are listening to their words. I don't say this to instill fear (although fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom), but so they can have confidence in this God we serve. God is our friend, our father, but he is also Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and The End. If that doesn't make you shutter a little, than I don't know what will.


We are so blessed to be able to stop and pray. To lay prostrate, before God, on his crystal floor, in front of his fearful throne, and cry. He doesn't dismiss us because He is too busy. No, He is merciful and kind. When I think about how quickly I can come to Him, with anything, and then to think of the times I don't...well...what will my excuse be on Judgement Day?

I'm Gonna Do It!

It's time. I have decided to TRY this list thing out. I am NOT a list girl, and I have NEVER pretended to be. I think having a list for things is a great idea, but that would require you to stay on top of writing things down, periodically. You see, I do this mentally all the time, but it has always seemed like a hassle to, actually, WRITE it down. hehehe I used to make lists, but that was after I was already done with HALF of the list, just so I could scratch it off. So I realized that there was something VERY VERY wrong about that, and it was all about bringing me pleasure rather than any real purpose....lol

What has got me on this kick? Well its the groceries and such that have. I can no longer just depend on my boys to let me know when we are running low on something. For the most part this doesn't happen. It's more of letting me know when we are OUT, and this is almost always at the MOST inconvenient times. I have pleaded my case to the boys to explain that when they are out of dishwasher detergent I can not magically make it reappear. There is this journey I must take in a car, with some cash, and oh yeah I have to have TIME to make something reappear. Nonetheless, the boys are confident that I am a magician, and that I do have this secret ability. I hated to dash their dreams, or their confidence in me. I mean who knows what other powers they believe I have that help keep them in line, like "reading minds", "eyes in the back of my head", etc. So this has been a bubble that I have decided, cautiously, to burst, regardless of the other truths that they may discover about me....lol

So. the first thing I need to do is make a LIST (I can't believe I am saying this) of the main food items I absolutely have to have during the week to make meals. I am shocked by how much of certain foods I need, and rely upon; like chicken broth, cream of chicken soup, tomato sauce, etc. I cannot tell you how many times I will be in the middle of a meal and I have discovered I only have one can rather than the two, of something, that I need. Of course, I no longer begin food preparation without checking first, but even still it is discouraging to see that I don't have it and have to change dinner plans again. I just hate that!

The other thing we bought this weekend was a small chest freezer. It needed to be bought. Our inside freezer won't hold all the meat, fruit, and vegetables we need for an entire week, especially if we get the whim for a gallon or two of ice cream. Everything we eat is starting to look like we have to feed a village rather than a house of 5 boys (soon to be six?). I can't tell you how ready I am for this chest freezer to be put in place. It is still sitting in the back of our suburban. We sent River and Isaiah to go pick it up (teenage boys are so GRAND!). However, they didn't have time to unload it before they had to go pick Andy up (who is spending the week).

So that is my plan today. I am going on an organization binge. The boys have no idea. They are innocently doing their chores today thinking that they have some control of their afternoon. Oh little do they know that I am on one of my cleaning/organizing kicks. Poor helpless saps....hehehe

So I will take pictures of before and after to let you see my progress. Then I will keep you updated as to how this whole list thing holds up for me. I can always START something like this, but 6 weeks down the road is when it all falls apart. I see my weaknesses, but I am gonna try try again. WISH ME LUCK!

Church At Our House

We had church at our house last night, and I really enjoyed it. Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a good little sum of people. Most importantly, everyone took part in some way. That did my heart good. To hear the testimonies and prayers in such a tight knit group really bonds you together. When you hear what has been on people's minds, what they are asking the Lord for, or what the Lord has done for them makes it easier to know how to pray for them. It was a real strength to me.

I made brownies after supper just in case anyone wanted to stay behind to visit for a bit longer, and Sis. Tisha had the same thought for she brought over homemade strawberry rhubarb pie and cherry cheesecake. It was a real sweet tooth feast (not like any of us needed that AGAIN....hehehe) However, everyone stayed and visited.

I remember participating in this sort of tradition when I was growing up. Going to someone's house, eating cookies or cakes, and playing with the other kids, and always disappointed when my parents were ready to leave. It was so full of love and fun for us little ones back then, that my heart is comforted to know that my children have this, as well.

I just went to bed so content last night. Thinking about the traditions that we are handing down to our own children. Loving the thought the brethren have been gathered in our home. Praising the Lord, singing hymns, eating pie, giggling with one another, and watching the kids play. This is what life is REALLY all about, isn't it?

Sweet Smelling Savor

I woke up this morning bright and early. Well actually it was still dark, which is the norm this time of year. I hopped on my blog really quick to read my comments when my music came on. I climbed back in to my bed and just listened to the songs as I planned my day. It wasn't long before the boys found their way in to my room and we talked about the night befores activities. How much fun they had, and how much candy they got. It was a great start to the morning.

Then I went downstairs to turn on some lights and nab a piece of my pumpkin swirl bread that I had made the day before. (Yum...yet deadly, calorie wise.) Then I came upstairs to write my post. As I sat at my desk I thought I would write about the things that came to my mind this morning. You see, as most moms, I think from the moment we get up til the time we go to bed we are thinking about our days and how to handle certain situations with our children. Well I am no different.

I have been reading a book that talks about how to have the kind of home you and your family deserve to have. It's christian related, and it gives some input on the small details that you can either take for granted in your home, or leave out entirely. One of the chapters talks about the smell of your home. That every house has a smell. You may not even be aware of your own house's scent. However, you can affect the smell if you so desire. Maybe its a home cooked meal at a certain time of day. Or maybe your children will remember the smell of cookies being baked regularly at your home. On the other hand, it could be fresh laundry drying and you can smell lavender fabric softener floating through the air, either way your family and friends should have a positive memory when they are thinking of YOUR home.

I LOVED this thought. I know that when we have tried to sell our homes that we make sure it smells delicious for the people who are coming to check it out. We have either baked something that day, or just put a pot of warm water on the stove with cinnamon sprinkled in and let it simmer. This isn't a secret recipe, but let me just say that it truly works. It makes people feel homey. Why only do this for guests, more importantly be aware of it for your children and your husband.

The other thing that I was taught about was music. My parents had a lot of gospel music piping through our home. Sometimes it was classic country from the 60s though, either way, they both have a very special place in my heart. We have talked ALOT to our boys about the power of music. That God talks about it and uses it throughout scripture. It speaks to your heart; good or bad. I don't make the boys ONLY listen to my style of music, but they definitely hear it most of the time in our home. Putting on a little music in the background softly while you are cooking, schooling, or cleaning the house is one way that sweet memories are being made while no one is saying a word.

I just thought about these things this morning upon rising. I thought about how I was going to influence my children today, because they will, indeed be influenced in some way. So why not make sure it's positive and intentional.

He Heard Me

I'm always a little concerned about my life. A "little" is a mild exaggeration. I think about my standing with the Lord all the time, and THEN I worry. I know that God is merciful, generous, and righteous. He has showed himself again and again in my life in many ways, so I feel like I know Him, as much as I can. I want to know Him better and better though, and the only thing standing in my way is me.

I know He is always here. Whenever I call out to Him I am confident He hears me. What a privilege. What an honor. It humbles me. I am going to take advantage of this great gift. If I could go before a grand king of this world, and I knew that he would always be fair, just, and merciful how many times would I take advantage of that? All the time. Isn't our Heavenly Father far grander and more powerful? Nothing stands in His way. What is even more wonderful about God is that I can do it in private. I can air my dirty laundry before him and no one else has to know. I can cry the ugly cry in the secret of my bedroom, then wipe my face, and be up and about taking care of my household, with no one the wiser, but the Lord and I. Wow, who else can do that for you?

So, today, I woke up feeling a little lonely. I had battled earthly trials in my dreams, and felt when I woke that I hadn't slept at all. I went downstairs hoping to shake it, but after a while I realized that I hadn't taken any of my cares to the Lord. The boys were all busy at the table buried in their schoolwork, therefore I went upstairs to humbly talk to God. I know He heard me. No tremors came from the sky. The room wasn't filled with His illuminous white light. So how do I know? I felt that burden lifted from me. I felt He heard me. Have you ever talked to someone about something,(mostly it's been my husband), and when you were done talking about your concerns you felt HEARD. You felt like things were going to be better. Sometimes I worry after I have done such a conversation with Den that it may have weakened him, even though I have felt improved. However, with the Lord I never worry about that. I know that He is strong enough to take my burdens and really do something about them. What a relief. What a gift to be able to fall down upon my knees before his mighty throne and speak to the most high God. I can't truly explain my gratitude, but God knows, and that is all that matters.

To The Woman Who Wants A Child

My computer is back up and running. It has some problems still, but after some finnigling I got it revived. Yes, we lost everything that we hadn't backed up (which was most of everything), but we don't have to replace our computer right now. So that is a huge blessing in my little world.

I am about to be 20 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy is going by fairly quickly. I am sure it's because of the busy house of children I have, already. I feel like the time is sneaking up on me more and more. I took Levi, Abram, and Roman with me to Barnes and Noble yesterday. Levi wanted to buy a new book, and the other two boys love to browse. I sat in the Winnie the Pooh section for children, and Roman brought me flap books that we looked at together. He loves this time, and admittedly, so do I. As I headed back to the suburban, and I was hoisting him back in to his carseat I started to do the countdown of when the next baby will be here. I felt a bit of panic come over me, because I had this sudden realization that a new baby, in an infant carseat, and all the things that must go in to the store each and every time, would be a huge change, again. Roman isn't quite two, and he, truly, keeps me hopping, but soon I will have two babies again. I secretly smiled, and yet worried too.

So this morning, as Den is at work, I hopped on to some blogs that I don't regularly visit. One is about a woman who is dying to become a mom. She has been trying for about 6 years. Her written words, across my screen, stung. Tears ran down my face as I read how earnest she is when explaining her struggle spiritually, mentally, and physically with it. She began to write in one of her posts about how she sees women who take it all for granted, don't appreciate it, and it all just comes so easy for them. I wouldn't necessarily put myself in ALL those categories, but I would say that it has came easy, and I know, after reading her posts, how I take it for granted. It made me feel ashamed. Not because I am unaware of God's mercies to me, but because I am not good about remembering all those who want just ONE child.

I don't look at myself as anything amazing because I have five, soon to be six (God willing), but I do take it for granted. Den and I have been blessed to be able to plan our children, only in the beginning of our marriage did we struggle. However, with good reason, God had a plan. Otherwise, the month we have tried, we have conceived. As time goes on, baby after baby, we tend to take things like this for granted, until you read or hear of another woman's plight. Then, for me, it makes me just stop in my tracks, and I let the tears stream down my face. Not just for them, but for my own heart. I want to be continuously grateful. I don't want something to be taken from me, before I truly appreciate all that I have. I try, I truly do, but after reading about someone who has NEVER had one, you realize how much you don't ALWAYS appreciate.

As I was typing this Roman can bouncing in. Not quite two he is still very much a baby. He is becoming more and more a little man, but he is still new to me. He is learning new words everyday, and I am amazed at the ones he chooses to use. He is unique, all his own. I picked him up to put him on my lap, he was needing some more reassurance, as most babies do at this age. I began to kiss on him as he squirmed, and I looked in to his eyes. His deep, dark eyes that have long eyelashes that curl up on the edges. He has a perfect little nose that looks just like Den's, and his lips are perfectly pouty. As he gleamed at me innocently I thought how heartbreaking it would be to not know what my child would look like. How I get to stare in to my children's eyes, each one, and see something new and individual in each one, yet something so familiar to Den and I. I thought of this woman who longed to see and know one of her own. I kissed on him some more as he happily wandered off to find his brothers.

So here I sit with another one growing inside of me. I remember when Roman was born, I said, "Ohhh...he is really cute!" hahaha This makes me laugh a little, because we all think our babies are cute. But I can think back to that moment, and know that I will have another time in my life of experiencing that (again Lord willing). I think often of how much these children have changed me. I am a better person with this many children needing me, and obviously I needed one more. Maybe its because I wouldn't be who I am supposed to be with only two children. I needed six to mold me and transform me in to the soul I need to be to grace Heaven's door. Maybe these other women have it more together, and don't need to be bent as I have been. These children have made me do things I never thought I would. None of my friends will tell you that when we were teenagers that they saw me having six, but the Lord sure did. He knew, and it has been so good for me. So good for my flesh, my soul, my heart and opening my eyes to other people and eternity. I needed more work, maybe more than others......lol I smile and giggle, but I find so much truth in those words.

Anyway, after such a long post, I want to be more thankful. I don't want to take my sixth pregnancy for granted. So I may have to lose some extra weight after this baby (no doubt), I will be more tired (again no doubt), I will have less things as I try to spread the wealth, and all these things are so good for me. So to you, dear woman who is trying to conceive, my heart goes out to you, and I want to be one of those women that you see that says "I get it, I am blessed." So thank you for the reminder of who I could be on Mother's Day, and may the Lord bless your womb soon.

Contagious

I'm upstairs on my keyboard spreading my germs all over the keys for the next ignorant person to run their fingers across. Yes, this means I am sick. Roman was under the weather, although he is doing better, but still battling a cold. He generously glommed it on to me. You see he sleeps on top of my head a majority of the nights, sometimes completely rendering me helpless since my hair is pulled so tight I have to cry out for help so that Den will grab the chubby toddler around the belly, and place him on an appropriate pillow somewhere in the middle of the bed, instead. This type of sleeping arrangement makes for a sick mommy when she has a sick baby. Ahhhh true love!

I thought I was nipping this bug in the bud, but I guess it's an ensuing battle that leaves us in overtime, wondering whose gonna win.

I got up this morning, after I emailed a friend to tell them that we were finally on the mend (lies all lies), and headed downstairs to start the morning ritual. I carried Roman downstairs in his pjs on my hip, placed him on the red couch in front of the gas fireplace, flipped on the switch to where we all enjoy instant fire, and I quickly turned the channel to Noggin for toddlers. All is right in his world as we begin to work on breakfast. However, this morning I found myself lingering around the fireplace, quickly grabbing a couch pillow, and eventually passed out on the floor as Roman pats my arm a hundred times to verify that I am still alive. I ignore all his pleas until the boys come in to rescue him, or was it me, either way.

I slept on the hard floor in front of the fire for over an hour, in an out of deep sleep. The floor didn't feel extraordinarily comfortable, but I found that I was too exhausted to move my body to the couch for the longest time. This is when it came to me that I needed to accept the fact that I was sick! Just deal with it Trina!

So I asked Levi to fix me some soup. To which I got a lukewarm bowl of lumpy cream of chicken soup, that Roman eagerly pounced on with his runny little nose. I allowed him to lap it all up, while I patiently gave him bite after bite. Then I had another bowl delivered, equally lumpy and equally lukewarm and devoured it like it was my last supper.

So here I am, back upstairs. Den said he would come home early to care for me (super sweet). We shall see what time he can get home to me, but I thought it was super kind of him to try. For now, I am going to hit "publish" and drift off to the bed that is calling my name behind me, and wait til I hear my prince charming to arrive. What will he be able to do for me? Nothing, really, but it does my heart good.

His Plate Is Full

Well it's Saturday morning. I am down at Den's job with him while he oversees his project. I was going to stay home and get some stuff done, but he REALLY wanted me to come. That always feels good, so how could I deny him, right?

I was thinking about Teresa's post about her husband. She had said how it is easy for us to forget what our husbands do all day, when we have all these things we want them to participate in at home, with us. Ohhhh True true....

I have no doubt Den works hard. I talk to him daily, sometimes a couple times a day just to see how he is doing, etc. Or he calls me to see how my day is going. I am so thankful for the sweet reminder that he is thinking of me, however I truly don't realize all that is on his plate daily, hourly. He is never one to complain and if the squeaky wheel gets the oil, than his little wheel is pretty dried out....lol.

While he is out walking all over the grounds, I sit here at his desk, all tucked away, and I see blueprints galore. He has memos, shipping lists, sketches, and all matters of important construction paraphernalia all around. Most of it I don't understand, but the one thing I do is how much this company expects him to accomplish. He is running a multi-million dollar job, and balancing family and church each and everyday. In my world of family and home I can become consumed with what we will do when he walks in the door. The thing is, I do enjoy him! When he walks over the threshold at the end of his busy day my eyes light up, and somehow it feels like my world is complete. We may not do anything at all. He may just sit down to finish watching the news or something else he has tivoed, but it feels wonderful just to have him home.

So I sit here at his desk, typing away on his laptop, and I am reminded of just how blessed I am to have a man so devoted to his work so that he is able to provide for us, but, also, that he comes home and enjoys me and his sons. Coming here today is such a good reminder of Den's other world that he balances so well for us. It's so easy to take him, and all that he does, for granted.