Saturday, October 20, 2007

To The Woman Who Wants A Child

My computer is back up and running. It has some problems still, but after some finnigling I got it revived. Yes, we lost everything that we hadn't backed up (which was most of everything), but we don't have to replace our computer right now. So that is a huge blessing in my little world.

I am about to be 20 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy is going by fairly quickly. I am sure it's because of the busy house of children I have, already. I feel like the time is sneaking up on me more and more. I took Levi, Abram, and Roman with me to Barnes and Noble yesterday. Levi wanted to buy a new book, and the other two boys love to browse. I sat in the Winnie the Pooh section for children, and Roman brought me flap books that we looked at together. He loves this time, and admittedly, so do I. As I headed back to the suburban, and I was hoisting him back in to his carseat I started to do the countdown of when the next baby will be here. I felt a bit of panic come over me, because I had this sudden realization that a new baby, in an infant carseat, and all the things that must go in to the store each and every time, would be a huge change, again. Roman isn't quite two, and he, truly, keeps me hopping, but soon I will have two babies again. I secretly smiled, and yet worried too.

So this morning, as Den is at work, I hopped on to some blogs that I don't regularly visit. One is about a woman who is dying to become a mom. She has been trying for about 6 years. Her written words, across my screen, stung. Tears ran down my face as I read how earnest she is when explaining her struggle spiritually, mentally, and physically with it. She began to write in one of her posts about how she sees women who take it all for granted, don't appreciate it, and it all just comes so easy for them. I wouldn't necessarily put myself in ALL those categories, but I would say that it has came easy, and I know, after reading her posts, how I take it for granted. It made me feel ashamed. Not because I am unaware of God's mercies to me, but because I am not good about remembering all those who want just ONE child.

I don't look at myself as anything amazing because I have five, soon to be six (God willing), but I do take it for granted. Den and I have been blessed to be able to plan our children, only in the beginning of our marriage did we struggle. However, with good reason, God had a plan. Otherwise, the month we have tried, we have conceived. As time goes on, baby after baby, we tend to take things like this for granted, until you read or hear of another woman's plight. Then, for me, it makes me just stop in my tracks, and I let the tears stream down my face. Not just for them, but for my own heart. I want to be continuously grateful. I don't want something to be taken from me, before I truly appreciate all that I have. I try, I truly do, but after reading about someone who has NEVER had one, you realize how much you don't ALWAYS appreciate.

As I was typing this Roman can bouncing in. Not quite two he is still very much a baby. He is becoming more and more a little man, but he is still new to me. He is learning new words everyday, and I am amazed at the ones he chooses to use. He is unique, all his own. I picked him up to put him on my lap, he was needing some more reassurance, as most babies do at this age. I began to kiss on him as he squirmed, and I looked in to his eyes. His deep, dark eyes that have long eyelashes that curl up on the edges. He has a perfect little nose that looks just like Den's, and his lips are perfectly pouty. As he gleamed at me innocently I thought how heartbreaking it would be to not know what my child would look like. How I get to stare in to my children's eyes, each one, and see something new and individual in each one, yet something so familiar to Den and I. I thought of this woman who longed to see and know one of her own. I kissed on him some more as he happily wandered off to find his brothers.

So here I sit with another one growing inside of me. I remember when Roman was born, I said, "Ohhh...he is really cute!" hahaha This makes me laugh a little, because we all think our babies are cute. But I can think back to that moment, and know that I will have another time in my life of experiencing that (again Lord willing). I think often of how much these children have changed me. I am a better person with this many children needing me, and obviously I needed one more. Maybe its because I wouldn't be who I am supposed to be with only two children. I needed six to mold me and transform me in to the soul I need to be to grace Heaven's door. Maybe these other women have it more together, and don't need to be bent as I have been. These children have made me do things I never thought I would. None of my friends will tell you that when we were teenagers that they saw me having six, but the Lord sure did. He knew, and it has been so good for me. So good for my flesh, my soul, my heart and opening my eyes to other people and eternity. I needed more work, maybe more than I smile and giggle, but I find so much truth in those words.

Anyway, after such a long post, I want to be more thankful. I don't want to take my sixth pregnancy for granted. So I may have to lose some extra weight after this baby (no doubt), I will be more tired (again no doubt), I will have less things as I try to spread the wealth, and all these things are so good for me. So to you, dear woman who is trying to conceive, my heart goes out to you, and I want to be one of those women that you see that says "I get it, I am blessed." So thank you for the reminder of who I could be on Mother's Day, and may the Lord bless your womb soon.


meNmykids said...

So strange that some of us can conceive so easily, and some cannot. God must have a reason, with His almighty power He guides our lives. I do not want to take my lovely family for granted either. I adore my family, my wonderful, fabulous, funny, sweet, outspoken, lively family. Glad you are up and running again.

"Neena" said...

I'm glad your computer problems are fixed (even if temporary). I hope that when I get married I will have children, but then again, I want God's will to be done, and I know that He does know what is best for each person. Still, I hope that I am blessed with at least one child! Congratulations on how far your pregnancy is - I hadn't realized you were that far along! (I never check the little dealies at the top of peoples blogs!)

Tricia said...

Thank you for that post.

I too have people in my life who just want that one, and I have 5. (4 of my own, and once niece that lives with us)

And I complain.

Forgive me Lord for all the times I have complained, and not appreciated the everyday miracle of the lives of my children.

Michelle Swank said...

I really enjoyed reading your blog today. We all have moments of taking our lives and families for granted. I try very hard not to take my family for granted and remember gods blessings to us. Congrats on being half way to your next bundle of joy. I pray that you will continue to be blessed.

Love & Prayers

Nadine said...

I'm glad your computer is back up and running.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded to count our blessings. Thank you for the reminder.

Marisela said...

Glad to see your computer is working again...I miss reading you blogs especially ones like these. I sometimes do take my family and children for granted, but I could not imagine my life without any one of them. I rember when Alyssa was born I felt just so blessed to have a child, and I felt that even if I didn't have anymore children I could be happy just to be blessed with at least one. So to have 5 more than what I would hope for truly is a blessing, one that I don't want to take for granted.

Sis. Lori P. said...

I heard our dear little Sis. Kristen in prayer yesterday at our house...she thanked the Lord for the life that he had given her. So simply put. What a heart! We all need to have that whether God has given us children to care for or not. We have all been blessed that God called our names!

Mom of 3, Aunt of 13 said...

Your blog reminded me of how I thought I'd be content if I just had a good husband and was never blessed with children. Then the struggle to conceive and carry a baby. The joy of that 1st child, the perfect rightness of it. How quickly we forget these things.

Steff said...

It's hard to believe that you're already half way through this pregnancy! Time flies. I like that little counter you have up there. Are y'all planning on finding out the sex before it's born? Do you know already?

JenC said...

I love this quote from you "I needed six to mold me and transform me in to the soul I need to be to grace Heaven's door."

Such a wonderful way to think of it! I've always Thanked God for each blessing we have when they were born. But it is important to continually remember this.

Madeleine said...

As I was throwing the football in our yard with Samuel this weekend, it hit me...he is going to be 9! 9!! No we can't have more, and I have wept, but I am so terribly thankful for the blessing of these 3. And hopefully #4 from China.

This was a wonderful post!

Mrs.Martin said...

Trina, what a beautiful reminder of the blessing, to have a child, and children in our lives. Wyatt came a little later than my first bunch, but what a family joy he has been. The Lord knew the healing power a child can have in your life. God is good.

Tish said...

I've missed your posts too. I'm glad you got your computer up and running. That's too bad about all the things you lost though!

I know I take my children for granted too much. Thanks for the reminder. I think I'll give them all a special hug when I get off of here!

marykathryn said...

Wow, how true are your words? I get so caught up in the busy every day life of sippy cups, constant questions and little life sturggles that I forget that each one of my children ARE such a blessing from the Lord. I need to remember how precious my time with them truly is.

~Java Mama~ said...

What a wonderful reminder that our children are truly blessings from the Lord!! Oh, how we take it for granted...

Come over and visit me for a sec Trina I have a little something for you.

JOYfully in Him,

Jules said...

You know, I realized while reading this that I haven't really thought about not being able to have babiesas a trial. I have always been blessed GREATLY in that category. I have been through some HARD times, but... I am blessed with healthy, cute babies, and SHORT easy labors. In fact, I'm so blessed that Ryan and I wanted a girl first, got it. Then I wanted a boy next that looked like Ryan, got it! But I really do feel for women that don't get that. Your blog made me really think about it a lot. Thanks so much for sharing.

Lori said...

Great post - it gave me chills! I am glad you back!! Sometimes it doesn't make sense to us who God chooses to bless with children while others try with no success. I would get frustrated with this issue alot when I worked at my other school in the projects and saw children taken for granted and basically not wanted, while friends who would make excellent homes for children COULDN'T conceive. But God has a plan - we just don't always see it at the time. Maybe there is a child out there waiting to be adopted by this woman. Whatever the case, you certainly don't seem to be one of those Mom's who takes her blessings for granted! You may have felt that way today, but you look back at your blog and you will see that you count them on a regular basis!

Nomadica said...

Hi Trina,

I dont remember how I chanced upon your blog but I DO know that it adds something sunshiny to every single moment that i spend here! I'm Sharanya, a 17 year old in India and though I dont identify with everything that you go through (because you're a BIG girl and Im still small *chuckles*) , it somehow gives me IMMENSE (and I mean it!) happiness to see the way you lead a happy and content life, so full of warmth and..LIFE-real, fulfilling life! Its just that in this world which can sometimes be so tiresome and skeptical (and I live in a metropolitan city here-busy, tiring and always-on-the-run), I feel that one look at a post on your blog-no matter what it talks abt, Roman's activites or your visitors or even that painting spree you had a long long time ago-it makes me smile and thank...well, YOU for leading such a happy and close-knit family life.
Its something I love and I REALLY admire you having 5 (no, 6!) kids and looking after each one of them and catering to each of their needs individually and yet enjoying every moment of it :)

It took me 3 days to read every post on your blog but believe me, Ive enjoyed EVERY moment of it-right from your first post and your move from Washington to having your 6th baby. Your marriage to Dennis IS a fairy tale and Im so happy that its a fairy tale being LIVED! This is a REAL example of family life :)

Thank you for making it a public blog so that teens like me, who are still searching for what they really want from life find a glow of comfort in JUST reading and KNOWING that you love your life and your family.

Keep blogging!


ps-you mentioned in one of your posts-quite a few "older posts" pages back-that you thought you were growing old, that you certainly had a few grey hairs and a few wrinkles and the rest of it. Well, I'll tell you this-from what I see and from the way you write, you seem to be a free spirited young girl at heart! that is SO inspiring, because you always hear of people ageing fast but rarely do you hear of those who GENUINELY stay young..forever young!

Cheers Trina..Good luck for EVERYTHING and thanks for making your blog accessible!

Cherrie said...

I am back! I loved reading your post. Such truth to it. We have been blessed with three beautiful children but it does take us awhile to concieve. I try hard to not take my family for granted but I am sure I do at times. Thanks for the reminder.