Okay I'm doing it, but for now, just one day at a time. For the longest time I have wanted to get in to shape, but the only progress I could make was in my mind. My body wouldn't join in, I think it liked being lazy. Nontheless, I am the boss.
I'm sitting here trying to think about my changing point. What finally got me motivated enough to do something about it everyday. However, it really has been more of a slower process. I noticed that I never liked to see myself without clothes on, when I would go shopping I would grab the larger size and sometimes it still didn't fit right, and all in all I was beginning to resolve myself that this was "just life". Well when I went to the gym, half heartily, I jumped on their scale and I was so depressed. The number that shot back at me was higher than it had been in a long time. I kind of just stood there in my towel dumbfounded, and I had a conversation in my mind. I asked myself some serious questions and the answers that kept coming back were all ones of futility and defeat.
When I headed back to my locker I began to put my clothes back on, and then I headed over to one of the full length mirrors that are everywhere. I just sort of looked at myself. I mean really checked myself out, and I thought don't I have some control over this? Of course I do.
So even though I am motivated in a way that I haven't been in a long long time, I also know that my problem is consistency. I make excuses for myself all the time. Like for instance if I want a Carmel mocha, chocolate brownie, or any other sweet thing that comes along. I have to start loving myself more than that, but also recognize how this makes me feel mentally over time. I really don't like the mental battle I have with myself at night. The feeling of failure and than just giving up.
Therefore, I am only taking it one day at a time. I spoke to Mary about it on the phone yesterday and told her that I needed a new swimsuit. The one I have been wearing doesn't even fit me properly. I wore it while I was pregnant with Roman.....geesh, but trying on swimsuits is a literal nightmare for me. However, I did it. I bought one yesterday. I dragged one in to the fitting room with me last night, put it on, and spent a ridiculous amount of time just staring at myself. I bought myself a pair of gym pants too. They are a little big in some areas and yet a little snug in others. I guess that is what I mean, my body is out of proportion. Hopefully, not for long though.
I am taking it one day at a time, maybe even one denial at a time. If that makes any sense. Meaning, every time I tell myself I don't need a mocha, or a candy bar, or whatever it is I am craving, unnecessarily, I am just going to celebrate it a little in my mind. Each day I make it to the gym to workout I am going to go bed with a little more peace of mind that I am the boss, and not my laziness. I don't want to be unhappy. I also know who I am and the battle that lies before me, but I just need to think about this as one day at a time. If I think about how I want to look right now, and then I see what I am facing currently, I always want to just give up and eat a big fat piece of chocolate. For now though, I am doing it. I have worked out for 2 days in a row, and I haven't had a hot creamy chocolaty drink since Saturday. Two big victories for me. I hope to implement more, but for now I am celebrating!